Below are the most recent 9 friends' journal entries.

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
flyboy_fox	12:35p	Musings Damn it's cold. It's been hovering between -2ºC and 2ºC during the day, and the water on the garage roof beneath my window is frozen, despite being pretty deep puddles. Now, every year when I post my obligatory "I'm cooold!!" post, people comment to tell me "Tch, that's nothing! It's -9000 here in the winter!". I don't care :P I'm cold. The heat only comes on in the evenings, so all I have for heating is a bed robe and a hot water bottle. Brr, guys, BRR! Winter is here for sure! They're talking about even colder weather and icy roads and snow by the weekend... hope that won't affect me going home for Xmas :( Also, the water coming out of my kitchen tap has, over the past few days, suddenly started coming out cloudy and milky in colour. Someone on =SSMB= suggested that maybe it's just that the water is just supersaturated and it's just tiiiiiiny air bubbles. Could be. It doesn't taste any different and I haven't felt ill from it despite drinking it daily. It's just... odd. I contacted my property manager about it anyway and she's investigating. *Sneezes* -_- Here we go. The slightest change in temperature, especially warmer to cooler, makes me sneeze uncontrollably. Never just once... always six, seven, eight times or more. Screw window thermometers; just use my nose as an indicator for temperature drops :P In closing, I am seeing a woman called Laura at college tomorrow. She's a counsellor who deals with helping students with emotional or mental health problems. I have not had any relapses since that last incident and honestly feel fine now, but I will be having a chat with her anyway as she may have some coping strategies for me should my mood ever dip that low again in the new year. The marks on my face are all but gone now, and the ones on my arm are just fading remnants. My eyebrows came back in very fast and should be all back within a week or so. My hair is obnoxiously short but has always grown fast and so I don't imagine it'll take long to get back to where I'd like it to be, length-wise. In the new year, I'm going to lose some weight. I kinda slipped up with that again due to comfort eating and being a food addict in general, but I wanna get back into my good trousers, dammit! No silly diets, just good old healthy eating and exercise, yes'm! I'm overweight right now and I don't like it, but I know it won't take long to lose it if I'm good. *Halo* Current Mood: cold Current Music: Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
flyboy_fox	1:26p	LWMPMAWR!! I was looking for a Jai, and then I found a Jai and heaven knows I'm miserable now. Which song was this lyric from? Get your own lyrics: XD; A-doy! Aaanyway... --- FAO Jade! --- Lwmpmawr arrived today! :DDD Wow, that was quick! And it was indeed... lumpy. Bwahaha. Aww, Jade, you didn't have to ^^ Such an awesome little bundle of gifts. I'll admit I was kinda confused by the popcorn in the Lush box (Lush is such a weird company XD) but no worries, I didn't eat it. The Radox bath soak looks lovely (it's blue, yay!), and the Flying Fox temple balm is made of pure win for the name alone! I'm definitely gonna be using all this stuff. I might even run a bath using one of the bath bombs right after I'm done writing this ^^ The letter was awesome; you're just so sweet... aww, and the Christmas card is great!! I'm really touched at how you addressed it to me AND Jei... I know she'll be grateful too :) In short, thanks so much!! ♥ Current Mood: grateful (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 14th, 2009
flyboy_fox	8:36a	Hee ^^ I wasn't online much yesterday because it was Jei's birthday! ^____^ A belated online happy birthday to my beautiful shmoo. 24 years of age, yay! Being broke, we weren't able to do too much, but we did have lunch at La Tasca, the local tapas bar, and it was REALLY good. Mm-mm, A++, would eat again. I made her a li'l birthday card, and we walked down to the shore and spent some time wandering around the arcade and sitting on the sea-front. She surprised me by buying a little ring from Enigma (a shop that sells crystals and incense and that sort of stuff) and giving it to me as a stand-in until she can afford to buy me the proper engagement ring she picked out for me a while ago. It was such a cute thing for her to do, especially on her own birthday ^^ Aww, I love you so much, Jei-ji n.n Oh, by the way *drool* Yes Sonic I still love you and I also love your sexy car ♥♥♥ Mrrrow! Current Mood: pleased (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 11th, 2009
flyboy_fox	12:12p	Jai is insane again :D Oh, silly me. I think that my past transgressions have probably only gone to strengthen the position that all fictionkin are in actuality just 'crazy' people who, to attempt to escape, or allow for, their mental deficiencies - ascribe to crazy beliefs as if to transcend their own mundaneness. Ah, but I was someone cool in a past life! It makes me feel better to cling to that! My past life must have messed me up, so naturally I'm unable to cope with even trivial things in this life! It's something I can lean on to feel better about myself in the light of how pathetic I really am! It's troll food really, isn't it? If it weren't for people like me, sites like ED* would have so very little to feed on (*I love ED dearly actually). I don't... I don't think that way. I don't think having 'crazy' beliefs has anything to do with one's current state of being, unless one lets them. Maybe it's true that the crazy chemicals in my brain that make me freak out and do wacky things on occasion are the very same that allow me to believe in fictional past lives, but I'll never use that as a crutch. You could take that away from me and I'd still be me. I'll still have highs and lows and I'll still fight back. I'm more than that. I won't cry. I won't wail that another life was so much better or that I was strong then. Honestly, if it came to pass that any of my past life beliefs are true, I'm sure I was as imperfect and screwed up then as now. But really, who isn't, in their own way? And if it's just a creation of my mind, a world of make-believe akin to dreams, then all the more reason for me to still be me in it. As far as how I feel, dreams ARE real, in a way. The world as we see it is just a construct of our senses, perceived in a way that we can understand. I dream lucidly and vividly often and in detail. My mind turns electrical signals in my head into objects and people and sights and smells and sounds. The only difference is that afterwards, my physical body in the waking world is unaffected by anything that transpired in that dream world. But it was a reality in its own right because I sensed it, perhaps only through my dream-self, but never the less it was a me, feeling, seeing, thinking. Often even perfectly aware that I'm in a dream, and thinking about my 'real' life outside of it, as if that real life were itself the dream. Hello mania. That's, I'm sure, what anyone would say. Because I feel alive now, typing, letting words flow... that's just as worrying as shutting myself up and not speaking at all, right? More chemicals in my head, this time making me feel good and positive and purposeful. I know I don't sound quite right now. My writing is all false poetry and purple prose, goddammit. But so what? If that's what wants to be free right now, is it really such a crime? I'm Alex, Jai, Flyboy, Tails, Jim Mack, Kojirou, Robin... all at once, all the same, all part of the patchwork quilt that makes up my being. If I fall, I'll get up stronger. Is this what it's like to be on top of the world? Current Mood: strong (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
flyboy_fox	4:52p	I am okay. Yaaah... I dunno what I set off here, but I feel like it's skeltering out of control more quickly than I can keep up with it, and I just wanna shove it back in its box and put a lid on it ^^; I am okay. Here's how it stands: I am not going to the hospital. I am not going to the local doctor here. I am not calling a crisis hotline. I am not seeing a shrink. I am seeing a college counsellor next Thursday (one week from now), for what it's worth. I am going to see my doctor, who knows me well, back at home sometime after the 18th of this month. I'm alright, really I am, and right now I feel more worried and guilty about all the people I panicked than about myself. Yes, I'm still having low moods... it's par for the course. I'm not great, but I'm not crazy or a danger to myself or anyone else either. I spazzed out, and now I think it's out of my system. The marks on my face are almost gone and the ones on my arms are healing well. My hair, amazingly, looks alright (if a little 'dyke-ish' ^^;). My eyebrows are coming back remarkably fast and Jei won't be able to say that I look like a chemotherapy patient for much longer :P I am fine. Really I am. It's been nice to see that even my trolls have decided not to troll me over all this ('though I guess I'm tempting fate now), but really it's not all that. Please, troll me. I can take it XD; I'd prefer it, really. Life goes on, things can get back to normal. This is me, what I do. It's not the first time and it may not be the last, but even in my insanity I have my boundaries that won't be overstepped. Thanks for all your support, guys. Now, can we forget about me for a bit? XP Current Mood: calm Current Music: Underworld - Born Slippy (19 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
flyboy_fox	11:07a	Hello hello hello I feel a little... less insane today. Whee, breakthrough? I'm feeling okay now so I'm not gonna go to the hospital. It would be a waste of their time and money just to check me over, tell me I'm fine, and then send me home :P I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else, just a bit of a loose cannon. Everything I do seems to stop before it's 'final'. I think, maybe, I just feel the need to scare or startle myself sometimes, to feel something real. I don't want to die or cause permanent damage to my own being... I just need the adrenaline rush of physical pain or disbelief to shake me out of my 'dead zone'. There's something euphoric about it... the liberty I felt while I was hacking off my hair, or the controlled pain when I was slashing the blade across my arm. A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control. Somehow, that incensed mania, horrific as it was, was more calm and peaceful than the weight of depression across my chest and shoulders. I'm alive. I'm not going to the hospital, because I look awful, sickly, alien right now. I look far worse than I feel. And I feel pretty good right now, comparatively. My mum thinks that there's a chance they might section me, lol. Holy crap. Not a chance, mate, I'm not going anywhere. She also talked sense though. She believes that the last thing I need right now is more pills. Rather, counselling and/or a form of CBT might be far more effective in getting to the root of my need to 'act out' so dramatically. My hair, eyebrows will grow back. The scratches will heal (and are already). I'm sorry for scaring you all, but I'm okay, I really am. Thank you. NB: My comment notifications haven't been working for a couple days now, so sorry if I missed anything or was late replying. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Linkin Park - Wth>You (Chairman Hahn ft. Aceyalone) (48 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 7th, 2009
flyboy_fox	9:32a	Cotton wool head Chh'. It's raining again. Does it ever stop raining? >_> I have no eyebrows. I look like an alien. LOL. Should I shave my head completely to finish the look? I dunno why I took off my eyebrows. It just seemed like a thing to do. Har. In retrospect I kinda wish I hadn't. So I'm wearing a woollen hat pulled down over my brow. I also didn't like the asymmetry of my cheek, so I put marks on my other cheek to match. Then I lay on the couch and stared at my hands for about two hours. That was fun. Well no. It was kinda odd. Really interesting. I literally didn't move at all for a couple hours. I kinda felt disassociated from my body, like my limbs were dead weights and not my own, and if they ever did move I wouldn't be able to feel it 'cause they weren't mine. It sorta felt like I was paralysed but I wasn't scared or worried because I didn't want to move. I could make very small nodding movements or 'mmn' sounds. It was like a really deep trance and I stayed in it until Jei brought me a blanket and covered me up and I fell asleep for the night on the couch. This morning I got up and shook the barbells from my head and spent a while trying to draw my eyebrows on with an eye-liner pencil. Didn't work very well so I'm back to wearing the woolly cap. Now I'm floating with the tide and just trying to write how I feel. Jei will be home from school later. Later. For now I need to do something, I dunno what. I can't sleep any more and I feel restless. I'm not sure where I am any more. It's only a few weeks until Christmas. Current Mood: confused (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 5th, 2009
flyboy_fox	7:41p	#Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be...# Caution: Really spazzy post follows. Jai is not emo-ing, btw. Just... fucked up? Today, in a fit of... something... I cut all my hair off and slashed my face and arm repeatedly with a blade. Not in an emo angsty way... just very very calm. During a giddy period of feeling, well, 'high' I guess and really cheerful and giggly and strange for a few hours... and then suddenly went into a total crash into dead-zone, crying and feeling too heavy to move for several hours, until Jei finally coaxed me to eat something and I now feel kinda normal again. I felt separated from myself the whole time. Pain was a strange and interesting sensation but didn't really 'hurt', and my reason for cutting my hair and slashing my skin was simply 'why not?'. The high during my mania was odd... Jei said I seemed like a mannequin, uncanny, 'fake' in my happiness like it wasn't real, even though it felt real. She said I seemed very distant, like I was in another place, even when I was directly responding to her. The fall happened instantaneously, like the bubble burst and suddenly a pit opened up beneath me with spikes at the bottom and I was impaled on them. All I could do was cry. Now, I feel like myself again. Jei's been a rock for me and now she's gone to get us some dinner and I'm left looking back at my day with a strange scientific curiosity, and at my jagged uber-short hair and the gashes on my cheek and arm, feeling like someone else did them to me. Curioser and curioser... down the rabbit hole she went... What was in my glass? (And no, I've drunk nothing but water all weekend... drink isn't to blame). There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it: Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be Dig it up, throw it at me Dig it up, throw it at me Where can I run to, where can I hide? Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind? Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear To cut out words I've got written on my chair Like: do you think I'm sexy Do you think I really care Can I burn the mazes I grow? Can I? I don't think so Can I burn the mazes I grow? Can I? I don't think so Where can I run to, where can I hide? Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind? Virgin state of mind Virgin state of mind Virgin state of mind... Current Mood: odd Current Music: K's Choice - Virgin State Of Mind (33 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
flyboy_fox	2:34p	Tea tea tea Holy crap, running out of tea! Only four tea bags left FFFFFF.... CRITICAL MELTDOWN IMMINENT. I need my tea :\ Also, liver, bacon, onions and mash makes a looovely supper, but leaves a frickin' assload of washing up and I just. can't. be. bothered. TEA. EDIT: Jei returns with tea! Praise be!! ::Tackleglomp:: Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Tom Tom Club - Genius of Love(Long Version) (6 Comments |Comment on this)